Details of Clash's strory history

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Details of Clash's strory history

Post by AeroPhoenix on Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:29 pm

Komadori Koutos was a member of a clan called the Koutai.
The families of the clan pass down four main traits. The three shifters of body are the Bestial(and the rare Seedling as with the Nourishers, but more on them later), the Crystalline, and the Duplicate. The last one is shifter of the bodies senses, others and ones own, the Fabricate. For a few serendipitous breeding brought about a receptivity to these abilities, these gathered in small groups and eventually the clan was formed. The members attempted some-sort of eugenics where pairings were arranged and kin was tracked to observe what combinations brought about what.

There was one clan member who possessed all four. Two were common, three were rare, four never had happened before. When they found out they called him "the being of all four corners" but it was almost 50 years after an unprecedented gradual acquisition of the abilities almost evenly split in that period of his life. He was a slow developer, but his strength had surpassed the elders by that time, and he ascended into the highest position. His name was Kansei Kago and he disappeared at the peak of his ability and of the conflict. Kansei had been through a rough childhood, with peer teasing, parental resentment, and outright dismissal from the elders.

The clan payed close attention to lineage, and honor was earned either with accomplishments as a mercenary, duelist, or generally a warrior. Power was everything, they were Spartans in a sense but higher-standing families although subscribing to that philosophy were left to their own devices as for the severity of their rearing. Komadori was lucky in that he had relatively gentle parents. Most of them believed that there was no absolute morality, without someone to enforce it so that values varied on the surface but at the core it was all about strength. There was a time of turmoil when the clan took arms against what were essentially vampires a couple of years after Kansei Kago realized that he had enormous potential, him being holder of all the traits for one.

The vampires were just getting by. They were in hiding underground and were small in number, they were always sought out by people and mercenaries hired from the Clan. They were poor and pathetic creatures that people had no tolerance for, and rightly so for their nature was wicked. They were psychopaths, sadists/masochists, narcissists, all nature of psychological deviants surfaced in their community. The clan did would fight for the the villages nearby for their food and other goods. As the vampires numbers grew by suddenly being able to infect and control other humans as opposed to only gaining numbers by breeding. Gradually the power-gap between the two began to equalize then the vampire became the clans rivals. This conflict became more and more personal. As the power of the vampires grew they seemed to steal the villagers high standard of living. Kansei inexplicably disappeared. The vampires were winning and the scarcity of food, which had been an intensifying problem since the inception of the war, was at an all time low and people went into bouts of starvation. The clan would even go so far as to steal food from the village when they couldn't afford to sell any for their services. At this time a long-lost clan member, who proved his kinship with his three abilities, took up power with the undying loyalty with a trio of other young kinsfolk who were called the Nourishers who were aloof talented beings who were Beastial, Seedling, and Duplicate. They fed the clan by splitting animals and plants from themselves, they literally were eating these beings for sustenance. They were ordered to forget about the war and focus on restoring, defending, and strengthening themselves. Eventually the clans deputes with the vampires calmed and their relationship with the common folk died.

Confrontations did happen among rouge members of each group and in other miscellaneous instances, some kept their resentment at their new leader for his indifference. About half a century had passed since the first incident of infected and puppet-ed villagers. The villages were in their worse condition, although the vampires enjoyed leaving them there to procreate and according to the higher-ups orders they would pick them out either as cattle, recruits, or as the prey for a fun hunt(a privilege for the lords). The vampires were out in the open now, they built a castle above and by the catacombs that instead of housing the pure bred of before no housed the infected and the food. The infected were of two types, the eventually mindless neophytes(Bitten but hasn't drunken the bitters blood) and the lucid and more powerful undead. The undead had to be chosen by a vampire(By exchanging blood) and lives close to the vampire who changed it as a servant, emissary, pet, etc.

The vampires leaders ever since the inception of the war were in line with Legna the man who has trapped them all in the land that their in, the one who has set motion to every aspect of their lives from the prosperity of the humans both villagers and clansmen to the poverty and steady survival of the vampires. Everything was orchestrated, the fools barely noted that they were trapped the whole time. There were mountains that were cold enough to kill most, always obscured by thick fog, and home to a school deadly ice-dragons with freezing breath and ice-elementals who could be anywhere which killed you if cold or starvation dint first. His bases was in some mountain caves where and tampered with other beings among other things. The new-found leader of the clan and his Nourishers were sent by him, but he had one planted within their high ranks already. He was playing a game of chess, playing both sides.

Like I mentioned earlier the Clan focused on security and secrecy, the living quarters in the center of the forest was guarded by Beastials that stood predominantly in the woods. A few gifted fabricates hid their home from the eyes of the occasional passerby when alerted by on-comers. They were closed off, not letting most people out, no one not part of the clan gets in. All the while the higher vampires would kill people at their leisure and the lower ones would drink from the captured till they die, giving them the illusion of some sort of independence by leaving them on their own. The vampires themselves would help stave off starvation in the disheartened villages by sending their own servants to help with crops and cattle, recently they increased the amount of forced breeding. Most of the women had to be impregnated!

Another being of four corners was born but no one knew, Komadori Koutos. About a decade after his birth, the leader and his Nourishers disappeared. The war began once again. Senshi an x-paladin with his teleportation abilities made it into the land like he had always had, and met with an old friend, Komadori's father and stood by him while the conflicts began again. The father was teleported by senshi out of the land(Leaving Kami his daughter in the land, she became friends with clash raised alongside him) to Lardyns land and took him hostage, for the fauna power of the goddess that cared for larvyn so he cold use it against the vampires and the mysterious figure he had recently realized (because of senshi) was in control of the whole dam thing. He was warned but not heedin it he still demanded to absorb the abilities to become the most powerful seedling of the world. He got it but lost his mind, Legna eventually got ahold of him for his own uses. Senshi disappeared after a confrontation with that rampant man. And five years of turmoil had passed since that day.

Komadoris mother was still with him and she took careful care of him because she unlike many others believed in the legend of the being of four corners and suspected that her seemingly powerless child was indeed destined to be the most powerful. Although she humored this idea, she was ambivalent and thought herself desperate and kinda crazy. New elders took power, militaristic ones, and the villages services were needed again bu some bagan to renounce their dependency when it came to food and tried to break off from the clan to try for sustenance farming but they were targeted by the vampires easier and were eventually decimated. The clan planned a big attack on the vampires, Komadori was allowed a way out by an elder who was a Legna conspirator. The conspiritor had just found out that he was posibly the being of four corners when word went around a month before about his newfound status as a Beastial(And one who could mix species) and his new nickname became Clash. Komadori thought that the man was being kind and indeed he did put up a good show of kindness but he informed the vampire lord who sent his 50 year old(but seemingly 19 year old) daughter to collect the 15 year old boy who naively headed out to fight. Kami got a premonition and went out to bring him back. Kyuki Tsuki the vampire princess who was to retrieve Clash got notice of the girl and that she was faced with the task of getting them both(being daughter of one of the paladins, albeit a retired one, she had potential in Legnas eyes).

Komadori awakens, frees Kami. Before they escape Kami revives Toga(Another GMO) with her Psychic ability. Toga in turn awakens two others, and they being stuck in the land meet up eventually and are recruited under the Rebels(which is controlled partly by Legna!)
avatar
AeroPhoenix
Site Owner
Site Owner

Male
Number of posts : 1021
Age : 25
Location : New York
Job/hobbies : ...
Registration date : 2007-12-29

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by Youkai on Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:47 am

Well when you said that we were sticking to wata I didn't believe you. There are some parts that you miss. Such as you put down that clash goes off with kami who got a vision so went to get him back. Then next thing you know there waking up?

Also anything, do the koutai clan age slowly or are then immortal?

Can they learn to use other powers of the clan? Or are they limited with what they are born with?

When you go back to edit the history incase you think about adding or taking things out keep did in mind. I'm sure that these question could be helpful to you.
avatar
Youkai
Staff
Staff

Male
Number of posts : 537
Age : 25
Location : Who Knows
Job/hobbies : hanging out with friends, taking naps and watching anime
Registration date : 2008-05-05

View user profile http://watazone.megabb.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by AeroPhoenix on Wed Mar 21, 2012 12:41 pm

I appreciate it. Please never hold back in your criticisms but make sure their always constructive like those.

Most, if not all, of the clan leaders don't age and their called elders because of it. It depends for everyone although you have a greater chance of being immune to aging, disease, fatal injuries if your a body shifter. Some may be slow to age, others may stop aging at some point. Remember that the clan is a combo meal. Maybe it would be best if I addressed that, at least hinting at it.

Dori then Kami (who Legna asked for when he found out she was going after him) were defeated then captured by Kyuki(the vamp chick) The details will be revealed in my story.

They are limited to the potential their born with, but their potential could be grand if they only use it right. You cant be given the traits, you can train and exploit what you've got.
avatar
AeroPhoenix
Site Owner
Site Owner

Male
Number of posts : 1021
Age : 25
Location : New York
Job/hobbies : ...
Registration date : 2007-12-29

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by Youkai on Tue May 01, 2012 8:19 am

so in other words use what you have, and use it well
avatar
Youkai
Staff
Staff

Male
Number of posts : 537
Age : 25
Location : Who Knows
Job/hobbies : hanging out with friends, taking naps and watching anime
Registration date : 2008-05-05

View user profile http://watazone.megabb.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by ShadowDarumia on Sat Jul 28, 2012 11:00 am

You mentioned two things that the average reader would not understand.

For one you mentioned Lardyn and his land but never mentioned who or what he is. Is he the land itself? I know enough to know that's not true but not everyone does. Clarify that.

Also you you said the name "Clash" in a paragraph that starts of as "Another being of four corners was born but no one knew" before the last one in a parenthesis. You should either move that paragraph down or remove the part in parenthesis.

And to end, in that last part you mentioned quite a bit of character that do not relate to the whole story, they don't need to be mentioned here. It quite confused me with that last bit.
avatar
ShadowDarumia
Newbie
Newbie

Male
Number of posts : 4
Age : 27
Location : Brooklyn NY
Job/hobbies : Writing Blogs, Parkour, Handball, Riding my bicycle, learing to skateboard and play bass guitar.
Registration date : 2012-07-28

View user profile http://shadowwata.blogspot.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by ShadowDarumia on Sat Jul 28, 2012 11:18 am

So if read that right, Kyuki Tsuki is a vampire princess who captures Clash and Kami and takes them to some unknown location.

Then in some unknown way, Clash frees himself and also frees Kami. Then they form a bigger band by recruiting other presumably dead GMOs in the same facility. This all leads to how they join the Rebels as you had mentioned. What you didn't mention is who and what the Rebels are in that passage. Or even what GMOs are.

See, all I'm saying its that you shouldn't mention things you won't explain if it's just the history you are writing about.

Focus on expanding on the Vampires, they clan name, more of their important people. A little more on how they became strong enough to rival the Koutai. You did say that Legna had a part to it so mention who that is along with the GMO bit.

Talk a little more of what each trait is about that forms the clan. You mentioned what they are slightly with the "shifter" part but didn't explain it.

(Will write more as I can. Trying to break it in parts for you.)
avatar
ShadowDarumia
Newbie
Newbie

Male
Number of posts : 4
Age : 27
Location : Brooklyn NY
Job/hobbies : Writing Blogs, Parkour, Handball, Riding my bicycle, learing to skateboard and play bass guitar.
Registration date : 2012-07-28

View user profile http://shadowwata.blogspot.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by ShadowDarumia on Sat Jul 28, 2012 11:53 am

There are a lot of things the need to be re-ordered to make sense in a sequence. For instance you start of by mentioning "Komadori Koutos" who it's to assume be your character, aka Clash. However you then shift to talk about the clan without any proper transition. From there you go on to talk about Kansei Kago only to the go back to talking about the clan. Leave Kansei 'til the third of fourth paragraph and move the third paragraph to be the second.

When you start talking about the vampires you threw it all in the blender and left it a complete mess. If it wasn't for our previous convo I wouldn't know what you were talking about at all. Break that paragraph apart with the ideas I mentioned above.

Take the Nourishers part to its own paragraph.
Explain some of why the villages grew weak. Or leave as is, it doesn't quite matter.

You never mentioned that the clan was focused on security and secrecy nor hinted at it until you said that you did. That part can either remain there or be moved up as well since it doesn't add to anything in the middle of the whole passage.
If the goal there was to compare how they lived in comparison to the vampires then it didn't quite work as the comparison wasn't remotely about the same things at all.

It appears that Komadori gets mentioned the most towards the end so I think its best to leave his mentioning until then. Explain more to who he is and lead with why he gets captured and all of that.

The elders that had taken over and got pulverized when they split of, did they take all of the clan? some of it? That bit was not explained that much and was left as is. What was the reasoning for their elimination? Who was in front of that operation. Did they ever have a chance?

Who is Senshi? Who is Komadori's father? And why are they important? What of the sister that was left behind?
avatar
ShadowDarumia
Newbie
Newbie

Male
Number of posts : 4
Age : 27
Location : Brooklyn NY
Job/hobbies : Writing Blogs, Parkour, Handball, Riding my bicycle, learing to skateboard and play bass guitar.
Registration date : 2012-07-28

View user profile http://shadowwata.blogspot.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by ShadowDarumia on Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:18 pm

When I think about it the part of the clan that was decimated could actually relate to Youkai's story as he is the survivor of a clan that was wiped out. Just throwing stones at the bushes here >_>'

Then again... he is part human... and demon... completely something else of what the Koutai clan is composed of.

It appears however that Youkai does hold the people from Koutai responsible for the what happened to his family as he does go on to have battles against paladins. I could be wrong though since I have no idea what paladins he is after in the first place.
avatar
ShadowDarumia
Newbie
Newbie

Male
Number of posts : 4
Age : 27
Location : Brooklyn NY
Job/hobbies : Writing Blogs, Parkour, Handball, Riding my bicycle, learing to skateboard and play bass guitar.
Registration date : 2012-07-28

View user profile http://shadowwata.blogspot.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by AeroPhoenix on Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:24 pm

This is allot, you certainly took it to heart when I said to never hold back on your criticisms. I still stand by that mind you. Thanks, Im going to come back to this later, maybe 6-8PM
I started to RP with this girl and I promised her Id draw my character and show her, uh adios amigo. Thats just in case you come back too soon
avatar
AeroPhoenix
Site Owner
Site Owner

Male
Number of posts : 1021
Age : 25
Location : New York
Job/hobbies : ...
Registration date : 2007-12-29

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by AeroPhoenix on Tue Jul 31, 2012 5:19 pm

Shadow, this wasn't supposed to be a spic and span finished product meant for other people who aren't familiar with our stories. I want to give all that information out with exposition in the actual stories. This is for Michael and you or others in the loop to understand where I'm coming from. But I admit it still aint good enough for even that.

So if I read that right, Kyuki Tsuki is a vampire princess who captures Clash and Kami and takes them to some unknown location.

Then in some unknown way, Clash frees himself and also frees Kami.
Then they form a bigger band by recruiting other (unknown) presumably dead GMOs in the same facility. This all leads to how they join the (unknown) Rebels as you had mentioned.
I laughed at myself when you pointed out all the unknowns, even though you didn't use the word that many times.

The elders that had taken over and got pulverized when they split of, did they take all of the clan? some of it? That bit was not explained that much and was left as is. What was the reasoning for their elimination? Who was in front of that operation. Did they ever have a chance?

Who is Senshi? Who is Komadori's father? And why are they important? What of the sister that was left behind?
These are good questions. The reason I dint explain many things is because I havent thought of the particulars yet. These question can lead me into that direction.

As for Youkais clan, I don't think it would work because The Koutai aren't demons and they have developed on their own for a long time.
avatar
AeroPhoenix
Site Owner
Site Owner

Male
Number of posts : 1021
Age : 25
Location : New York
Job/hobbies : ...
Registration date : 2007-12-29

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Details of Clash's strory history

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum